Ranking the Offseason Moves

This 2009 offseason, 2010's nerdy brother, is actually a lot more exciting than I though it would be.  The bad teams are gearing up to try and sign the big players in 2010 while the rich got richer.

In order from worst to best:

432. Allen Iverson

Iverson says that he will not come off of the bench to play for a team.  He also wants a bigger contract than most teams can offer and who wouldn't.  Have you heard http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2skYVPGExgy?  How can Allen fund another CD without making over $6 mil a year?  In all seriousness, a top 50 player in NBA history but just not cutting it anymore.  Rough offseason for Iverson.

279. Portland Trailblazers

The Portland Trailblazers have been getting rejected more than Paul McDaniel's Discover card.  Every free agent they have tried to sign has gone elsewhere.  The offer to Millsap was not enough to discourage the Jazz from matching.  Turkoglu was whipped and his girl convinced him not to go to Portland but to move to the great white North and play for Toronto.

107. David Lee

David Lee is an odd player in the NBA.  An absolute rebounding machine.  His arms change form like the T-1000 to get all available rebounds.  He averaged 11.8 rebounds per game and an insane 16.8 rebounds per 48 minutes.  David Lee averaged a robust 16 ppg last year while averaging 1.42 points per shot.  Lee is a great rebounder who can score, yet no team has offered him a contract yet.  Some will say that Lee is a product of Mike D'Antoni's system.  It may be true to an extent, but Lee hustles too much for a team to not try and sign him.

63.  New Orleans Hornets

The Hornets are an oddity.  A small market team that tried to play big-market basketball and have failed.  They own too many contracts and cannot sign any free agents that others are looking for.  In other news, Jeff Bowers feels like he must get under the cap so Tyson Chandler is on the block for beans on the dollar.  I feel like Jack's mother right now.  Tyson Chandler may get traded for magic beans, but I am still pissed that we are trading the cow.  The Hornets only get this high of a rating because Darren Collison and Marcus Thornton have shown promise in the summer league.

56.  Richard Jefferson

In case you haven't heard yet, Richard is a single man still.  Three days before his wedding, Jefferson e-mailed his fiancee to call the wedding off.  Usually this would result in a bad offseason, but Jefferson did the smart thing.  He saved money from the inevitable divorce.  In this economy, any money saved is a good thing.

Alright enough dilly-dallying, let's get down to the nitty-gritty.

4. Boston Celtics

Usually adding a nutcase to your team hurts your cause, but when that nutcase is Rasheed Wallace, one of the most talented players in the league, your team gets better.  Add in "signing" a healthy KG and the Celtics are poised to fight for a championship again.  The only reason the Celtics aren't ranked higher is the fact that they kept trying to trade Rajon Rondo which may cause him to overreact and play terribly this season.  Otherwise, great offseason for the Celtics.

3. Los Angeles Lakers

This position is assuming that the Lakers re-sign Lamar Odom.  Lamar was the glue that stuck the Lakers team together.  Everyone calls him the Candyman and if he re-signs, the Lakers are in a great position.  Also, the Lakers essentially traded Trevor Ariza for Ron Artest.  Artest is effing mental.  He is the one player who may kill someone on the court in an NBA game.  Hopefully Kobe can prove to be a strong enough force.  If Kobe can't even handle watching the puppet kid in those commercials, I don't know how is going to watch over the craziest man in the game today.

2. San Antonio Spurs

This team is good as crud.  Take one part surefire Hall-of-Famer, Top-2 all-time at his position, Tim Duncan, add a little French seasoning in Tony Parker, give it some Latin flair with jalapenos aka Manu, and then throw in a token Blite (Black/white) guy in Richard Jefferson.  The Spurs are stacked at all positions 1-4 and McDyess is a servicable big man.  The team is also coached by diabolical genius and potential homeless man Greg Popovich.  No way they don't make it to the Western Conference Finals.

(Seriously Pop, shave the beard.  Do you look in the mirror every morning and enjoy what you see?  When little kids around you are constantly crying that's not a good thing?  Change it up, go clean shaven again.  For the youth of America.)

1. Orlando Magic

Wow, just wow.  I don't know where this team suddenly got money, I'm looking at you Barack, but this team signed or traded for so many players.  Vinsanity drastically upgrades the 2 spot for the Magic.  Carter can be dynamic when he tries but most of the time he runs around as if he were in a food coma.  Hopefully Van Gundy will yell at him enough to where he starts dunking over people again.  They signed both Marcin Gortat, a personal fave for the Hornets, and Brandon Bass, that LSU boy.  That gives Howard and Lewis two legitimate backups to play behind them.  On top of all this, they also signed Matt Barnes and X-factor in this equation.  If Barnes shows up, this team could be deadly.  With all the changes, I don't know if this team got better but on paper they certainly did.

We'll see how the rest of free agency turns out and hopefully the Hornets pull something off to make this a worthwhile offseason.

Why Dwight Howard Actually Is Superman

Dwight Howard, man-child for the Orlando Magic, is the best center in the game right now.  Only Yao Ming and Shaq have a claim and considering Yao breaks more things than I do and Shaq is just a little old, Howard will do.  Recently, Dwight has taken to calling himself superman, a moniker an old Orlando center had before him (Shaq).  Many people are upset that Dwight Howard would just steel (see what I did there) the Man of Steel's name.  I am not upset because I believe that Dwight Howard might actually be Superman.

Evidence #1:  Both Superman and Dwight Howard came out of nowhere.

Superman fell to Earth after his home planet of Krypton was in trouble.  Dwight Howard rose from being a nobody in high school to being the number one overall pick.  Many experts argued that Emeka Okefor, the great player that his is(n't) should have been chosen first overall.  Many comic book nerds think that the Kents should have traded Superman for Spiderman or some other hero (the last fact may or may not be made up).

Evidence #2: Both have superpowers that a normal human being can only dream of.

Superman can leap tall buildings in a single bound.  Dwight Howard can dunk on 13' goals.  Superman can run as fast as a speeding train.  Dwight Howard, when motivated, is fast as crud.  Superman can shoot heat lasers out of his eyes.  Dwight can blind other players by flashing his ridiculously bright smile.  Superman has super-strength.  Dwight Howard is the biggest and most jacked player in the league.  Superman can withstand being shot by a bullet.  No one has shot Dwight, but don't be surprised if when he does, nothing happens.

Evidence #3: Both have really dumb weaknesses.

The only thing that can stop Superman is kryptonite.  The only thing that can stop Dwight Howard is not having deep post position.  If Dwight can develop any post game, look out. 

(Speaking of kryptonite, how stupid is that stuff.  It seems like just putting Superman near it weakens him.  Why don't his enemies just wait until they have a buttload of it to attack?  I mean clearly small pieces aren't working.  Another idea: inject Lois Lane with it.  Superman loves her too much to not be away from her.  Also, kryptonite bullets.  Two birds with one stone.)

Evidence #4: Both have civic duties.

Superman serves and protects Metropolis from anyone trying to harm the city and people he love.  Dwight Howard protects the post from all who try and enter.  Defensive play of the year he uses his super-strength to send things into the third row.

Clearly, Dwight and Superman are the same person.  I am on to you Dwight Howard.  You can't hide under your alter-ego anymore.

What the Heck are the Hornets Doing?

My friends, as you can tell by the blog title, I am a huge Hornets fan. Particularly Chris Paul. He could kill 1,000 in the French Quarter during Mardi Gras with the entire city of New Orleans as witnesses and I would not believe it. The man can do no wrong in New Orleans.

Unfortunately, New Orleans can wrong Chris Paul, like the Hornets have done this offseason. The Hornets have made no official moves this offseason. While many contenders (Lakers, Mavs, Spurs, Magic, Celtics, Cavs, etc.) all made significant moves to hopefully better the team, the Hornets have frozen like a teenager getting caught watching porn.

George Shinn swore, last year and before, that he would not put frugality above this team winning a championship. Evidence for this abounds: Peja's absurdly large contract, signing James Posey when Mo Pete played the same way, giving Tyson an extension when first trading for him. These moves showed the Hornets were ready to spend money to win. The team had a terrific 2008 campaign and were poised to make The Leap in 2009. The Hornets took a large step backwards, though, with Chandler injured and many players not playing up to their potential. The only reason the team was decent last year was Chris Paul and David West playing out of their minds. Seriously, I think Chris Paul blacked out last season like Will Ferrel during the debate in old school. He was that unconscious.

It is a disservice to both Paul and West to field the same team that failed horribly last year. No free agents have been signed and surprisingly, the Hornets drafted TWO players after selling the draft pick the year before. Darren Collison and Marcus Thornton may turn out to be tremendous players but I am not sure. All I know is that right now, if the team stays as it is and struggles like last year, Chris Paul may not come back when his contract ends. New Orleans is wasting a transcendent talent's prime. Sorry Chris, New Orleans owes you better.